The sentence I have heard most in all the years of writing here is this one: I just want to feel like me again, but I can’t wear anything cute because I need easy access. I have heard that sentence more than any other in the years I have been writing here, and I said it myself with my first. The answer I have now is simple and a little annoying: the cute things open. The wrap, the shirt dress, the V-neck, the blazer. What stops us is not access. It is the idea that we have to choose.

Here are nine tips for dressing like yourself across every occasion while you are feeding, from the Tuesday school run to the wedding. They are the ones I would give a friend at the kitchen table, not a list of things to buy.

1. Lift the everyday first, not the occasions

The wedding is one day; the Tuesday is two hundred of them. Start with the everyday formula and make it one notch better than it has been: a clip-down nursing tank under a V-neck or an open shirt, a bottom with a soft waist in this month’s size, one colour near your face that is kind to it, and a shoe you can walk a pram in. Then swap the stained tee for the wrap top once, for no reason, and see what it does to how you stand.

2. For occasions, choose the dress by how it opens

A wrap in a jersey or crepe, a button-front shirt dress, or a V-neck deep enough to pull aside over the tank. Midi or maxi length so you can sit and feed without thinking about your knees. A print on a dark ground, because it hides a mark better than anything plain. Breastfeeding-friendly wedding guest dresses goes through the shapes by season.

3. Follow one trend, and make it the one that opens

Trends come and go and most of them go over your head. The ones worth following while you are feeding are the ones that happen to open: the oversized shirt, the wrap, the cardigan worn as a top, the slip skirt with a soft waist, the trench. Pick one a season and wear it with the pieces you already own. Transitional breastfeeding-friendly pieces is the between-seasons version.

From the capsules

The Year Round Capsule

Two hundred nursing-friendly outfits from fifty-six pieces, fifty for every season, laid out and then worn. $29 once, yours to keep.

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4. Gowns and evening dresses are not off the table

A wrap maxi in a heavier jersey or a satin, a slip dress with a deep V over a tank, or a button-front maxi shirt dress in a dark colour with the gold earrings. All three open; all three look like an evening. A fine cardigan or a shawl over the shoulders is the cover and the thing that makes a cold venue bearable.

5. Accessorise with the things that do a job

A large soft scarf, which is the cover on the bench and the colour near your face. Earrings that do not dangle where a small hand can reach. A crossbody bag because both hands are taken. A belt worn as a tie over a soft waist. That is enough; a statement necklace on a feeding day is a thing a baby pulls.

6. Build on the versatile pieces, not the clever ones

A white shirt, a black blazer, a wrap top, a striped tee, a fine cardigan, dark jeans in your size, a pull-on midi, a shirt dress. Eight ordinary pieces that all open and all go together make more outfits than thirty clever ones. Ten wardrobe staples for breastfeeding moms is that idea pictured.

7. Take inspiration from mamas, not models

The pictures that helped me were of women feeding in ordinary clothes, not campaigns. Follow the accounts where the baby is in the frame, the top is a shirt from the high street, and the mama looks like she slept four hours and still chose the outfit. That is the standard; it is reachable.

8. Spend on the bra, not the top

A well-fitting nursing bra is the difference between a top that hangs right and a top you keep tugging at. Wireless and soft for the first weeks, then one with more structure for the days out, clips that open with one hand, room for a pad. Try it on at the end of the day when you are fullest. The top can be ten dollars; the bra is where the money goes.

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9. Do not forget the bottoms

Everyone writes about tops and nobody about the waistband that sits on a scar. Soft waists, mid rises, drawstrings, elastic backs, in the size you are this month. Dark colours below the waist hide whatever the day does. The jeans from before stay in the box with the date on it, and you are allowed to want them later and allowed never to want them again.

Nine tips, and the one underneath all of them is permission. You are allowed the wrap dress, the heels, the trend, the evening out. Nothing about feeding a baby takes those away; it only asks that they open. Dressing on purpose was part of how I came back to myself after each of mine, and it never once got in the way of a feed.

If you want the outfits for every occasion already laid out, the Year Round Capsule is two hundred of them across the seasons, every one opening, with three pictures of you in them on the house. If you want to know which colour near your face is the kind one, First Look reads your colouring from one photo, free. And if you would rather someone who knows your closet dressed you for the occasion, that is Anah inside the Atelier.

You do not have to choose. The focus is on you, mama.